Tattoos and Shopping Carts...

The carpet guys just showed up late, of course, to clean the tenant bedrooms below us...  

I wonder, after having a couple of estimates, 

if copious tattoos and earlobe holes so large I could push a pencil through 

them are the required  dress code for such a profession...  

They were nice in an Eddie Haskell kind of way, so I can't complain... 

If you don't know who Eddie Haskell was, 

then you are too young to read this old bird's blog....  

As I wait for them to finish cleaning, 

here's a few things that have come to mind lately:

I stepped on fake barbed wire yesterday... 

What does G.I. Joe need barbed wire for?  

It hurt, but not as much as the real stuff would... 

Lego's hurt more....  

They are compact little pieces of indestructable pain generators...  

They always find the most tender spot of your instep 

as you jam your foot on them, in the dark, at 10pm....  

You just know the evil inventors of Legos 

are coming up with a micro version 

that not only will implant themselves into your feet like splinters

but will have some sort of chip that by remote control, 

will inflict pain at your child's choosing.....

"Ah Ha Ha, MOMMY!!!

Take THAT for denying me one more Ho Ho!!!"

Shopping carts are mobile jungle gyms... 

From the age upon when your tender little baby rides shotgun in the cart,

(now massively protected from those AWFUL STORE GERMS, 

in puffy fabric covers (rolling eyes here)) 

to the age when they have a drivers license 

and should be pushing the cart for you, kids want to climb/ride all over them...  

Have you tried to steer a cart past the tower of cans 

with one riding in the cart and one hanging off the side? 

I feel for you moms with more than 2  kids...  

Children give no attention to the fact that 

 A:  food goes INTO the cart, 

B:  We are here to shop for food/plants/contraband 

and NOT for Silly Putty or candy at the checkout, and 

C: I will not endure the humiliation of having the store manager 

break out the SawsAll 

to get your 5 foot tall body out of the seat portion of the cart... 

And this is why we moms go to great lengths to shop without kids...  

I forgot all that and took them to Home Depot yesterday.  

Cue the vodka...

Do you remember Eldon from the show, "Murphy Brown"?  

He was her house painter who was there for, I think, the whole series..  

He just never finished...  

Yep, that is what's under our house...  

We took a photo inventory of what's left yesterday...  

My landscaping still looks like Larry the Cable guy did it, plywood and all...  

He forgot the 1972 rusted Pinto Hatchback for the front yard, 

but maybe we will scout out a couch from an alley to place there instead...  

I just want to finish the front and back yards 

and can't until these bozos "Git Er Done"...  

I may have to threaten to leave my kids in their construction office 

until it's completed...     

OOOOH....Now that's a good idea!