Saturday, March 9, 2013

Cruel and Unusual Punishment...

Spring Break is upon us 
and not a moment too soon...  

If I hear about another storm, 
named by The Weather Channel, 
like Maynard or Berenice,
is bearing down on us, 
I might lose my mind... 

My in-laws have generously invited our family 
to their home in warm, sunny Florida 
for Easter Break...   

We eagerly look forward to a few days of warmth, 
ocean breezes and Pina Coladas, 
except for one thing;  

I need a new swimsuit...  

I checked the United Nations Convention Against Torture 
and "shopping for a swimsuit" 
was not on the list of actions qualifying as, 
"torture and cruel and degrading treatment",...  

Clearly the details of this ban on torture was written by men...  

Because if women were writing up the statement, 
shopping for swimsuits would be on the list....


I could see a debate over whether shopping for jeans 
was or wasn't a close second on the torture scale, 
but swimsuits ranks right up there 
with water boarding...  

I searched online for hours,
went to three major department stores, 
retailers whom I visit about as often 
as Haley's Comet circles the Earth, 
and I found NOTHING 
that looked good on me... 

My dressing room was as dim as a cave...

The three way mirror of hate was screwed to the wall
so I could not glare at my backside in a suit...

Each suit was more horrifying on me than the last...

There were so few one piece swimsuits to choose from...

The sales floor was dominated by tankinis...

What is it with tankini's, anyway?  

If you have any sort of poochie belly, 
it peeks out of the tankini 
every time you bend over to pick up a sand toy 
or reach for that margarita...  

It ain't pretty...  

Why have one piece swimsuits 
become an endangered species?  

Either they look like they are made for the senior citizen crowd 
or they have so many cut outs 
they might as well be a bikini... 

I just want a good looking one piece 
that has enough construction to minimize a few, 
shall we say, trouble areas, 
with straps wide enough to hold up the girls, 
and a design that does not scream, "MUMUU APPROACHING!". 
 No attached skirts, thank you, 
and definitely NO horizontal stripes...  

I am not asking to look two sizes smaller, 
but please don't make the kids shout, "Shamu!" 
when I walk out of the dressing room, either... 

Is this too much to ask of a swimsuit?
To not look like Jabba the Hut in a hibiscus print?

The search continues 
and I have ten days to find the perfect swimsuit...  

She must be out there, 
crowded amongst all those smug tankinis...  

I will survive this torture 
and then I will soothe my wounds 
with a good book and a Mai Tai...

Monday, March 4, 2013

Ode To The Sink...

Dear Kitchen Sink, 

I believe you must think 

that our family just does not care,

You faithfully wash 

all the scraps that we toss 

into your basin with little fanfare...

As you rinse day by day 

foodstuffs in your porcelain bay, 

you complain little and offer no protest,

Until your hose springs a leak 

and soaks under your sink 

and now I am on a long quest...

See, you are unique, 

as Murphy's Law would speak, 

and your hose seems not to be replaced,

Home Depot, Menards, 

nor True Value offers rewards, 

as my search is becoming disgraced...  

Oh, sweet, lovely faucet, 

 you are old, but still dulcet 

and to replace you would cost a fine penny...

 I'll admit there's no mystery, 

you'd would certainly be history

 if funds I had were any... 

So the search goes on, 

perhaps The Faucet Guy will be dead on, 

with the hose that I dearly desire...

  And the dishes now shower

 where our clothes get Bleach Power!

 in hopes this repair project not become mired...

  I miss you, Kitchen Sink, 

having you does not stink 

and my dinner preparations have languished...

 No Bolognese, nor stew

 will be fed to this crew

 until your mending will have been accomplished...

 Refrigerator and oven, 

mark my dire warning,

  Thoughts of malfunction are strictly rebuked...

  Should you cough, spark or sneeze,

 or consider disease,

 I might pass out,

 or worse, even puke!