She was a Yankee living in the South...
Never mind that she was born
in New Castle, Indiana,
in New Castle, Indiana,
where a woman was judged
by her pie crusts and biscuits
much like her Southerly sisters...
much like her Southerly sisters...
No, she had spent too many years
growing up in Northerner places
like Waukegan, Rock Island
growing up in Northerner places
like Waukegan, Rock Island
and Evanston, Illinois...
She was a fish out of water
in that public building
in Clearwater, Florida...
It was 1986...
The morning was cool,
by Floridian standards...
It was 1986...
The morning was cool,
by Floridian standards...
She arrived, on time, to perform
her civic jury duty...
The potential jurors were a sizable group,
assembled for what looked to be an important case...
As often happens, the jurors sat in the well worn waiting area
for a goodly long time, re-reading their newspapers
and Family Circles
and Family Circles
or staring blankly at the dusty televisions
mounted on the wall...
mounted on the wall...
Sally Jesse Raphael was ranting about teenage pregnancy,
but the volume was set too low
for anyone to pay much attention...
for anyone to pay much attention...
Finally, around noon, a man strode in
and announced the folks could go get lunch...
He sternly instructed them to return on time
and to not speak with anyone about the case...
Judy knew when to follow the rules
and when to break them...
For example, she had a particular aptitude
for getting men to see her way about things
for getting men to see her way about things
by generating tears faster
than you can say "feminine mystique"...
She rarely used that trump card,
but I witnessed her cry once,
when persuasion was sorely needed,
and damn,
when persuasion was sorely needed,
and damn,
it was quite effective...
A gentleman can't stand
to see a woman weep...
A gentleman can't stand
to see a woman weep...
Judy is an old soul
and if she declared horse pucky
on a questionable situation,
and if she declared horse pucky
on a questionable situation,
she was always right...
She could see right through
to the real motivation
behind the B.S....
She had that special kind of natural intuition
of when to read the directions on the box
or when to just wing it,
if you know what I mean...
It was more than common sense,
it was like horse sense or something...
She could see right through
to the real motivation
behind the B.S....
She had that special kind of natural intuition
of when to read the directions on the box
or when to just wing it,
if you know what I mean...
It was more than common sense,
it was like horse sense or something...
But this time, she obediently exited the waiting room,
and walked to the coatroom to retrieve her jacket...
The closet area was loud and busy with jurors and attorneys
finding their fleeces and trench coats...
She left to find a salad...
In the cafeteria, Judy made friends with another juror
and ate lunch with her...
As anyone who knows Judith would tell you,
she makes three friends
in the time it takes to tie a shoe...
After lunch, the ladies returned to the coatroom
to deposit their outerwear...
Judy noticed two attorneys speaking with one of the jurors...
She got a funny feeling
like things were rotten in Denmark...
and ate lunch with her...
As anyone who knows Judith would tell you,
she makes three friends
in the time it takes to tie a shoe...
After lunch, the ladies returned to the coatroom
to deposit their outerwear...
Judy noticed two attorneys speaking with one of the jurors...
She got a funny feeling
like things were rotten in Denmark...
Promptly at one o'clock,
the potential jurors were escorted
the potential jurors were escorted
into the courtroom...
One by one, each person answered
a battery of questions
a battery of questions
posed to them by the judge...
Imagine, if you will, the judge from the movie,
"My Cousin Vinny"...
If you remember, Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei
were a couple of New Yorkers,
defending a family member and
they had to deal with Fred Gwynne,
the judge with a deep Southern accent...
One of my favorite lines,
and there are many from this movie, is:
Vinny Gambini: It is possible that the two yutes...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny Gambini: Uh... what word?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Two what?
Vinny Gambini: What?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh... did you say 'yutes'?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, two yutes.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What is a yute?
Vinny Gambini: [beat] Oh, excuse me, your honor...
[exaggerated]
Vinny Gambini: Two YOUTHS.
The scene was similar in the courtroom
my mother was attending...
my mother was attending...
Soon it was Judy's turn to be questioned by the judge
who had a deeeeep Southern accent...
Judy: "Yes."
Judge: "And, Ma'am, do you live at the stated address?"
Judy: "Yes."
Judge: "Do you happen to know the defendant?"
Judy: "No."
Judge: "Would you have any bias in relaishun to this case?"
Judy: "No."
Judge: "Mrs. Benson, did you ovahheah any discussions of this case in the coatroom prior to this hearing?"
Mother began to sweat...
She had seen the lawyers talking with each other
and to that juror
and to that juror
when she walked into the coatroom to hang up her jacket...
Obviously, knowledge of some conversations was serious...
Didn't anyone else see what had transpired in the coatroom??
Obviously, knowledge of some conversations was serious...
Didn't anyone else see what had transpired in the coatroom??
She couldn't lie...
She was under oath, for God's sake...
Judy: "Yes, I mean, no, Sir, I did see people talking but I did not overhear what they were saying in the coatroom."
There erupted a roar of laughter...
At that moment, when Judy realized the judge meant "courtroom"
instead of "coatroom",
her face flushed bright red...
instead of "coatroom",
her face flushed bright red...
Judy: "Judge, honestly, I am a graduate of Northwestern University..."
More uproarious laughter...
Needless to say, she was quickly dismissed from jury duty...
I should record her telling this story herself,
because when Judy tells the tale,
it is wipe-your-eyes, grab-your-gut hilarious...
The woman can spin a yarn...
because when Judy tells the tale,
it is wipe-your-eyes, grab-your-gut hilarious...
The woman can spin a yarn...
Colorful and joyous are some of the descriptive words
I would use to illustrate my mother...
I would use to illustrate my mother...
She used to dress up in costumes for Mother's Day,
Halloween, of course,
to pick up my Dad at the airport
(that time she dressed as a hooker,
with my grandmother, I might add...)
or to pick me up at the airport
(clown masks...imagine the humiliation)...
Halloween, of course,
to pick up my Dad at the airport
(that time she dressed as a hooker,
with my grandmother, I might add...)
or to pick me up at the airport
(clown masks...imagine the humiliation)...
She would decorate our home
for every little holiday
like any good elementary teacher would do...
for every little holiday
like any good elementary teacher would do...
She was quite entrepreneurial
and had a successful wallpapering business
named, "Hang Tight"
with a friend for several years...
and had a successful wallpapering business
named, "Hang Tight"
with a friend for several years...
Mama was courageous...
From birth, she battled many illnesses,
cancer among them,
and always won...
She laughs that she only has about four organs
left in her body,
but she keeps bouncing back...
left in her body,
but she keeps bouncing back...
Through countless emotional and financial hardships
that would crush the hardiest soul,
Judy has risen above them
with flying colors...
that would crush the hardiest soul,
Judy has risen above them
with flying colors...
My wise mother says things like,
"Those people are dead.
"Those people are dead.
Don't let them hurt you anymore,"
"You can't soar with the eagles
"You can't soar with the eagles
if you are gonna hoot with the owls!"
This is not a cafeteria!
This is not a cafeteria!
You eat what I make!
or my favorite...
"Sometimes you have to take a chance
and say, "What the Fuck?!"
Being with my mother is a cross between
an "I Love Lucy" episode
and "Leave it To Beaver"
because although I always felt
safe and secure in our small town home,
there was always the potential
for a little crazy to come out...
My Mama,
Judith Mae Allen Benson,
will always be my beloved...
She is that maternal blankie,
that wise ear,
that level of perspective,
that comic relief
and that unique bond
no one can replace...
that wise ear,
that level of perspective,
that comic relief
and that unique bond
no one can replace...
I love you, Mama...
Happy Mother's Day...
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