Cruel and Unusual Punishment...

Spring Break is upon us 

and not a moment too soon...  

If I hear about another storm, 

named by The Weather Channel, 

like Maynard or Berenice,
is bearing down on us, 

I might lose my mind... 

My in-laws have generously invited our family 

to their home in warm, sunny Florida 

for Easter Break...   

We eagerly look forward to a few days of warmth, 

ocean breezes and Pina Coladas, 

except for one thing;  

I need a new swimsuit...  

I checked the United Nations Convention Against Torture 

and "shopping for a swimsuit" 

was not on the list of actions qualifying as, 

"torture and cruel and degrading treatment",...  

Clearly the details of this ban on torture was written by men...  

Because if women were writing up the statement, 

shopping for swimsuits would be on the list....

Duh!  

I could see a debate over whether shopping for jeans 

was or wasn't a close second on the torture scale, 

but swimsuits ranks right up there 

with water boarding...  

I searched online for hours,
went to three major department stores, 

retailers whom I visit about as often 
as Haley's Comet circles the Earth, 

and I found NOTHING 

that looked good on me... 

My dressing room was as dim as a cave...

The three way mirror of hate was screwed to the wall
so I could not glare at my backside in a suit...

Each suit was more horrifying on me than the last...

There were so few one piece swimsuits to choose from...

The sales floor was dominated by tankinis...

What is it with tankini's, anyway?  

If you have any sort of poochie belly, 

it peeks out of the tankini 

every time you bend over to pick up a sand toy 

or reach for that margarita...  

It ain't pretty...  

Why have one piece swimsuits 

become an endangered species?  

Either they look like they are made for the senior citizen crowd 

or they have so many cut outs 

they might as well be a bikini... 

I just want a good looking one piece 

that has enough construction to minimize a few, 

shall we say, trouble areas, 

with straps wide enough to hold up the girls, 

and a design that does not scream, "MUMUU APPROACHING!". 

 No attached skirts, thank you, 

and definitely NO horizontal stripes...  

I am not asking to look two sizes smaller, 

but please don't make the kids shout, "Shamu!" 

when I walk out of the dressing room, either... 

Is this too much to ask of a swimsuit?

To not look like Jabba the Hut in a hibiscus print?

The search continues 

and I have ten days to find the perfect swimsuit...  

She must be out there, 

crowded amongst all those smug tankinis...  

 

I will survive this torture 

and then I will soothe my wounds 

with a good book and a Mai Tai...