I about fell out of my chair yesterday afternoon
while opening the mail...
There was a recruitment letter
from Miss National Regional America
something or other pageant...
Somehow Kate is on a pageant mailing list...
Oh, my mercy!
The letter was hysterical...
"Your daughter has been referred to us
as a possible candidate who may enjoy modeling,
acting or learning stage techniques
that will help empower and enable her
to accomplish her future goals.
We are writing to tell you that she is eligible
to compete in this year's official State Pageant,
held right in your home state... "
Oh boy....sign her up!
Lord knows at the tender age of six,
she should get crackin' on those future goals!
"At the Miss Illinois Pageant,
your daughter will have the opportunity
to make new friends with girls
from across her home state
that have interests similar to hers,
and also to gain self-confidence
and valuable communication skills..."
Because little girls have no opportunities
to meet friends and gain important social skills
on the playgrounds, in school or at soccer?
"Miss National Regional America is a pageant experience
designed for today's girl,
that's why we do not have a swimsuit competition,
no make-up is allowed on contestants under 12 years of age
and she is not required to perform a talent..."
Whew, that is a relief, because "Today's girl"
actually likes hoochie mama swimsuits
and lots of make up from the age of two...
ie: "Toddlers and Tiaras"...
"Participants in our program will take home
their share of more than $25,000 in cash,
modeling scholarships
and a 2013 Ford Mustang Convertible..."
Wow...she could win modeling scholarships and a car.
Is this car for Mommy
or is it sized for her American Girl doll?
No doubt, thousands of people will sign up for this charade...
The pageant must make money hand over fist...
Count us out on this one...
I know you won't believe this...
Okay, you probably will,
but I fell victim to one of these scam events
when I was in high school...
I can't even remember
what the name of the title was,
but we spent a ridiculous amount of money
for me to sing, dance and generally make a total ass out of myself
at some hotel in Peoria, Illinois...
Oh, the embarrassment and humiliation
of wearing some cheap Uncle Sam-if-he-was-a-two-bit-secretary costume
that probably 800 other girls wore before me,
as I waived a small flag and wailed "Yankee Doodle Dandy"
onstage with scores of other hopeful teenage girls...
To add salt to my wounds,
my college age cousins, whom I worshipped,
drove down from Chicago, no less, to watch...
I wanted to crawl into a hole...
Needless to say, I didn't make it to the Top 50
and I slunk home as soon as I could escape...
Perhaps I was fruitlessly bouyed by my second runner up status
at the Rock Island County Fair Pageant the prior summer...
My periwinkle blue gown was perfect
and the poem I wrote as my talent, a sure winner (in my mind)...
Rumor backstage was that I would have won the crown
except the fine print stated, "no professional models could compete"...
If posing for a John Deere ad made me the next Christie Brinkley,
then I plead guilty, but it would have been nice to know that little rule
before committing to watching the demolition derby
at the fair grounds after the event concluded....
And Jack wonders why I won't go to monster truck events...
Too traumatic...
I found this brochure in my scrapbook...
"What's the Difference Between her World and Yours?"
It looks like the lady on the left
is being given a fur coat by George Hamilton,
I have just whiffed the tennis ball into the next county
and the lady on the right is hoping her Miss Hathaway suit
is going to get her that awesome job
at International Harvester Company...
This was my first comp card for modeling...
A strange juxtaposition of farm girl meets
awkward underage seductress...
I was thirteen in these shots,
hadn't kissed a boy yet
and had a lot of hay stuck in my hair,
if you know what I mean...
Not that being naive and sheltered is a bad thing...
Hopefully Kate will stay that way for a long while...
So Kate does model a bit here and there...
She does it for fun,
a little cash for school
and mainly so she will learn
how to interact with adults...
It can't hurt to train them early
to have some poise,
but I draw the line
at the kiddie pageant racket...
I'd sooner sell her into slavery
than subject my daughter to the craziness
that only scratches the surface on those TV shows...
There is a difference between learning how to be a polite
and well mannered person
from learning how to dye your lashes
and shake your tiny money maker
on a stage at a Ramada Inn in Fargo...
If she wants to be a fair queen or even Miss Universe,
I'll be there all the way,
but for now it's a low maintenance around here...
At this point, Kate doesn't even know what lip gloss is
and I kind of like it that way...
Little Miss National Sunshine,
take your carpet bags to the next town...
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