You know that feeling when you believe
you should be able to do something
and then your body lets you down?
I'm not talking about being out of shape
to run a marathon at the age of 40-something...
hell, most of us are too weak
and sane to do something like that...
What I am complaining about are things
like loss of manual dexterity,
such as when your fingers just don't type as fast,
or not being so nimble with those teensy buttons
on your smart phone....
How about when you see your kid skip down the street
and it occurs to you that spontaneously skipping
is top of mind akin to wrestling an alligator...
Ever consider sitting on the floor
with your legs tucked under you?
No way...
My kids bounce on their knees
like they are rubber balls...
And when did I stop being able
to thread a needle in the sewing machine?
Oh, and then there's my face...
There is no magnifying mirror strong enough
to aid my eyes in finding that errant blemish
or the glaring whisker defiantly poking out from my chin
like the Wicked Witch of the West....
I remember watching my grandma
put on makeup when I was a kid...
She would not see certain imperfections on her face
as she dabbed on the powder
and drew in her eyebrows...
My eagle eyes would spot them right away
and then I would clam up...
Who wants to tell their sweet grandma
that she has a blackhead the size of New Jersey
on her nose?
Not me...
And so now I am there...
After I turned 40, my eyes went downhill, fast...
It was subtle at first...
Minor squinting...
Purchasing weak readers at the drug store...
Now I have full on bifocals that I am still getting used to...
Ever try to apply eye makeup while wearing glasses?
Impossible, so I wing it
and probably look like Tammy Faye Baker
on one of her crying show episodes...
Yes, my eyes are not so good these days
and that is one reason why
I am hopeless at finding shark's teeth...
While on vacation at Amelia Island recently,
I became obsessed with finding shark's teeth...
Apparently the ocean currents dump truckloads
of these ancient, fossilized teeth
right along the beaches of the island...
There are supposed to be so many
that you could mosaic your kitchen floor with them...
Um, right.
We met people who have bowls of them at home,
gracing their coffee tables...
So, I felt the thrill of a challenge awaiting me...
Every time we hit the beach,
I stooped over and slowly combed the shore,
looking for anything that resembled a tooth...
Nothing...
I got sunburned on my hunched back,
searching the clusters of tiny shells
that stretched for miles along the beach...
The colors and shapes started blurring together
as the sweat, mixed with sunscreen,
burned my eyes...
Nada...
One day, a lady walked by me, similarly hunched.
Suspecting she was also unlucky in her search,
I asked her how it was going.
"Oh, gosh, I have found five of them," she replied.
"How long have you been looking for shark's teeth?"
I asked, thinking five teeth was her all time collection.
"I have been here about ten minutes." she said.
My spirits fell like wet sacks of cement dropping from the sky...
What was wrong with me?
Why couldn't I see those shiny, T shaped teeth?!
Later that day, a new friend I'd made showed up
with her young daughter and I shared my frustration
at not being able to spot any shark's teeth.
"They are so easy to find!" she chirped.
"I have a big jar of teeth back home.
One day my son and I wouldn't stop looking
until we found a hundred."
A HUNDRED?!
I have been staring at piles of sand for two solid weeks
and have not seen a damn thing!
So she walked with me and picked up four
before I realized what was happening...
She even dug up the coarse sand at the water's edge
and spotted teeth being washed to sea!
She would dive at the tooth with the quickness
of a pelican dive bombing a fish
and reveal a shiny, black tooth in her hand
the size of a Q Tip head...
Grrrrrrrr!
Later that night we took the kids out for dinner
and stopped by a souvenir store to marvel
at the front case filled with all sizes of shark's teeth...
Some huge ones were the size of a playing card...
All the while I was simmering with the frustration
that my eyes suck
and that I am either too stupid or unobservant
to find one stinking tooth on the beach...
My eyes used to be amazingly sharp...
What happened?
What's next?
Will I lose my sense of smell?
Will I break my hip?
I want to return my body for a younger model...
What's the warranty on this thing?!
Next year, I am hitting the beach
with a magnifying glass...
Or I am paying the kids for the use of their eyes...
Finding a damn shark's tooth is a sad entry
on my bucket list...
Right next to going para-sailing.
Okay, maybe not...
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